After I read his posts I feel like I need to write a ''response'' that applies to my own life. (I give him full creative credit over this btw, I'm just not really ready to ''share"
His last post was about his friends and how supportive and challenging they are.
My best friend Jackie (from age 6-13) was always my "mom" when my mom was incapacitated or just couldn't handle having a kid that was "smarter" than her. I was the kid that related more to grown ups than other kids. I even ate lunch with the librarian a couple times a month. < I was that kid.
But from a young age, I created my own reality, I accepted the fact that I was different from everyone else and I didn't mind it. I never thought I was less capable than other people. I had cerebral palsy, divorced parents & grandparents, I wasn't "pretty". I read and understood my dad's business contracts at age 8.
In college, I had an amazing group of guys always looking out for me, to say that I drank excessively would be an understatement
I definitely gained a reputation for crazy antics and frequently blacked out, they always made sure I made it home safely and took care of me. I think I was just tired of being "responsible" for so long. I took the opposite to extremes. After I graduated, I sobered up, got a 9-5 job and an apartment I didn't share with anyone.
But I will never stop being grateful for those years. I think they spoiled me too. Those guys are the ''good guys" they treated women with respect and honesty and definitely a sense of humor. They've seen me at my best and my worst. Though all the distractions they saw at heart that I was a good person despite all the things I did to convince people otherwise. They all set a high standard for how men should behave especially with women they were decent and kind and trustworthy. I can't think of where I'd be now without them. I probably wouldn't be here at all. You see my ''rule'' back then was I wasn't done drinking until I had to be carried out. (Brilliant- I know)
Iggy Pop's '''Wild One"
http://www.vevo.com/watch/iggy-pop/real-wild-child-(wild-one)/USUV70703740
No matter who I meet, or what kind of relationships develop over the next 30-40 years. I know people will come and go. There will always be Beth. I gotta save the best for last.
Beth is the strongest and most logical person I know. Her smile could light up a room, her laughter is genuine she is never jaded and says exactly what she thinks without it coming off as crass or bitchy. (unless she intends to) she is a woman who can literally handle ANYTHING and make it look easy. If I were going to war, I'd want Beth as my captain. She's had her share of struggles and I've seen her at many different stages in her life and she's seen the darkest of mine, and she's never given up on me.
So when I said before that I create my own reality, it's still true. I am constantly dreaming and I don't adhere to anyone else's rules but my own. As a result, my friends from college to present day often refer this concept as "Rosie World" or "Rosie Crazy Town" both of which I appointed Beth "The Mayor" of. This is not an easy position to hold. Bethy has a full time job, she's remodeling two houses with her husband (married Beth version was also an adjustment for me) I've had to adapt my level of ''emergencies" as such:
Small issue "I need to talk to you Beth"
Large Issue "I need to talk to the Mayor" "Can the Mayor return my call at her earliest convenience?"
It's no secret I have poor impulse control. Over-eating, over-drinking, over-spending, everything is in excess, if I want something, I get it. Simple.
Bethy makes me think about the consequences, she also sorts out the feelings I try to hide, or can't until it all explodes. She explains to my grandparents why I'm not dating anyone (Seriously. She does.>>They like her better than me>She is more logical I told you)
I've known Bethy since I was 19 or 20. We understand each other especially in times where its hard to be strong ALL the time. When we feel like giving up.
That being said.. just in the last few years I've come to realize with her help and the help of meditation a lot of my problems stem from me believing that it's only possible for me to be alone and the only thing I know how to do is struggle and fight, Until recently, I never knew how to just "be" or "be happy" She was the first person to say ''It doesn't have to be that way. You don't ALWAYS have to be in fight or flight survival mode." This FOF mode has been the basis of my entire life. If you're not ready to drop you're not working hard enough. The fear of failure. Beth has made me believe it's okay to have dreams for yourself as long as you work your ass of to get them.
Bethy also said to me: "Rosie, I've known you for 10 years, and there's still a ton of things I don't know about you, because you never talk about it, you never told me" It's true. and this is something that's come up in several of my romantic relationships my favorite words (shouted in my Cher, Italian Brooklyn accent)"I don't want to talk about it."
For the most part, I'm an open book, if someone asked me a question I was always taught to give an honest response. Another thing I learned through meditation is that my past doesn't need to carry into my present.
Life is a beautiful sad, twisted and blessed thing. I have been equally blessed and burdened as are many people. In my case all of my sad, twisted and blessed things happened to me at a very young age, I grew up very quickly and had to be responsible and self sufficient for myself and my siblings when my peers got a few extra years of "childhood" then I went straight from that to you're in college and on your own. I don't talk about those years. I don't talk about my disability. I don't talk about my family and related drama (as much as other people do). I'm aware of its existance, and I lived it and moved through it. but those things just aren't apart of my reality anymore. I once tried to explain this to a guy I was dating he wanted to have a sit down chat once a month and ask me about all of this! I'm like on a Satuday night? This stuff is all very heavy, can't we just order a pizza & watch SNL?" Who wants to talk about their secret pain? So boring!!! and trying to explain the dynamics of a divorced family to someone who's parents are still married? Not even close! (We obviously broke up, in a very dramatic series of texts messages but that's another story)
What I realized from that disaster of a relationship is I don't owe anyone an explanation! This was an epiphany. I was almost Pre-Law, so arguing and mediating and explaining my side were second nature to me. Especially from a logistical standpoint. But just because someone wants to to know about certain areas of my life doesn't mean I have to tell them. I'm not hiding. honestly. I just don't think I need to re-live painful events in my life for other people's benefit to make them understand me. I don't need people's pity or attention. In fact I hate any kind of attention (unless someone wants to say that I'm funny I'll never get tired of hearing that) I don't need to carry it with me anymore. Nobody I love will ask me to do that.
Lesson: All families and all romance should be as it is in Moonstruck :)
I'm not done but if I've accomplished anything it's with the help of these people (and more, they know who they are)
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