I've been making lots of small changes lately. *I challenge myself to do things I've never done. *I''m more physically active.. and the final most exciting change *I'm getting rid of the ugly futon in my living room that's followed me from apartment to apartment for 13 years* I purchased my own adult piece of furniture that's not a hand-me-down. (I'm 31 years old) and except for my TV not a single thing was *mine* not originally owned by someone else.
That futon is symbolic.. College days.. old boyfriends.. never quite becoming completely grown up. I can't sleep on it anymore because it kills my back, and I even moved my TV to the bedroom. So now it's only purpose is to collect the random clothes and purse contents of the day. But I could never find a suitable replacement.. my door frame is 2 inches shorter than average which makes anything that doesn't come in pieces impossible to fit through. and I'm still on a shoestring budget.
I have to count on good men to help me take it apart and haul the pieces out to the trash. I'm looking forward to it!! Even if the room is empty for a week. I don't care. It's a new start. Some fresh energy. My apartment is easily the most valued thing in my life. I hide there, I cook and blast my music.Walk around naked. on weekends it's a black hole.. I can not leave my room for 3 straight days and just sleep. It has that effect. It's cozy and solid. It's got an open floor plan and no doors except for the front door and the bathroom door, and perfect size for one person. But I decided it I made some small changes I might be more inclined to use the giant open floor for fitness activities.Space has always been an issue with me... I can never get enough of it. As a kid I hated any kind of physical contact. Hugs, kisses, pats on the head.. all very uncomfortable for me. Very intrusive.
*space is just a word for someone who's afraid to get too close" -Nick Jonas
I've only allowed a handful of people in. *When I dated* he basically stayed at my place or I slept over at his. and I hate that. It's lazy. it means you stop going out on dates. You are taken for granted. Things get too comfortable and you stop trying. Which leads to arguments. I can't say I'll ever want to co-habitate with somebody either intentionally or by accident. But I've had sentiments.. I live on the 3rd floor of a 3 floor walk up.. I call it "the tower" because from the alley that's exactly what it looks like. And as unsentimental as I might be.. every girl wants the prince to climb the tower and rescue her. and I've had men tell me they can't "be that guy" for me. Which is baffling of course because in all ways I am self sufficient.. What kind of guy are they then?
I digress of course, I am grateful. for the little things.. A roof over my head, food in my fridge, the friends and family that accept me for who I am. Unconditionally. A job with a manageable stress level. The ability to say "No" to situations and people that make me unhappy. I'm better off than I was a year ago, and I'm excited for a continued life of possibilities, of the unexpected. The end of fall has always brought about change for me.. good and bad.. new jobs new relationships.. all start around this time of year. and I'm hopeful..
David Gray "This Year's Love" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdR6GEArgsw
Because every time I look back.. I second guess myself..
The XX "On Hold" Saturday Night Live
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmZFhaDHZ_Q
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