Looking back and moving forward

There is something about this time of year, it seems to always be a turning point for me. Even though I think I'm in a constant state of reflection. There seems to be something meaningful that happens ever year around this date. 4 years ago.. on this date I posted pics of some skyscrapers with this caption: "nothing worth building is easy. My life so far has consisted of calculated risk and the audacity to be bold! anything I want can and will be mine! Let's hope this continues to work in my favor"

One year ago today. I took a trip to Seattle (with and because of my friend Jen) This trip changed my life and possibly the direction of it. It's my goal to move there in the near future.  I loved everything about it.  The water, the people, the vibes, the scenery. Everything just seemed so calm and happy and fun. It didn't rain a single minute we were there. I'm convinced that was Jen. She is my sunshine. We rode a ferry, talked to the locals in the market, and just went exploring in general, all the while eating the most incredible food ever made by man or nature. It was that feeling of contentment and peace I'd been searching for. A sense of belonging, that I wasn't alone even if i was. People were interested in each other, supportive of their creativity and curiosity. An introvert by nature, here I talked to EVERYONE, i wanted to know everything I could about them, and this magical place.  It was everything on my "bucket list" and more. 

The year before that, I took my first trip completely alone. (un-intentionally) but still. I was in Florida by myself, staying in a boutique hotel facing the beach. Alone for 4 days. Again during Labor Day weekend. I listened to the waves, walked in the sands and meditated on what I wanted out of life, and everything that led me to that point.

This year a cousin of mine got married. Everything about it was elegant and beautiful and traditionally Catholic. and 100% different than anything I would do for myself. (If I ever got married at all). I was happy for her and her husband though. Everyone deserves to be happy.  She was the most beautiful bride and it was without a doubt a celebratory time for all family and friends. 

*Except Ursula* Who was predictably sloppy, drunk, obviously lonely and no doubt rightfully questioning all of her life choices. As I watched this train-wreck aspect of an otherwise beautiful evening. I couldn't help but feel anything but grateful.  I sat at a table with people who loved me. Who supported me and would and have sacrificed alot for me.  As misunderstood as I feel by a large majority of them" alot of this comes from our different perspectives on success and love.  And if I had a choice, I wouldn't go back and change anything about my life choices. In fact, I am proud and content, that I support myself, that I spend more time around people who are caring and supportive and loving towards me. They are subsequently a small group of friends cultivated over a decade as opposed to blood related relatives. To those few, I am eternally grateful, and my loyalty to them extends far beyond anything imagined.

I took pictures with my date and my siblings and friends commented on how "beautiful" and "happy" I looked. Which is not exactly how I felt.  You see with family, I can't help but feel a lot of anger and resentment. Not only for turning a blind eye to things and people that were fundamentally damaging to me. I look at them and see my past. and their perception of me isn't of the person I am now, but the *probably* petulant child, in FOF mode. The facade that many of them care about anyone but themselves least of all each other. They lie to themselves and say they're happy. but as Ursula so blatantly showed, they are in fact. Lonely. and their future is bleak, they have already made their decisions and now they're "stuck".

My life is far from perfect. but at 32 I'm proud of the fact that life still has an element of surprise and excitement.  I still have a drive, places to see, things to do, most of all freedom. And the fact that my plans remain to stay as far away from many of them as possible. Makes me a "bad" person. I have no intention of looking back anymore. It's just too painful. and I'm tired of being angry.  I'm grateful for my city life, my apartment with my 2nd family, the silence and routine and magic. Soltitude does not equal lonely. Single and Childless does not equal "Alone" Actress Octavia Spencer lays it out:
 https://www.facebook.com/goalcast/videos/1539615932782258/?hc_ref=ARTFdc6L8Acthin7ejRA_juokIlkS7jq1R-pAjbYfQ7pzTshOl2FqWWjB79wOqr4v-E&pnref=story

These choices do not equate unhappiness, just a difference in opinion. You can always depend on yourself and create your own adventure.

Next up on the reading list that I hope will illustrate all of what I love..