"Talking so much you horrify yourself and those around you; talking so little that you almost refuse your own existence; if loneliness is defined as a desire for intimacy, then included with that is the need to express oneself and be heard, to share thoughts, experiences and feelings.""Intimacy can't exist if the participants aren't willing to make themselves known, to be revealed. Either you don't communicate enough and remain concealed or you risk rejection by exposing too much"--Olivia Laing The Lonely City.
I think the reason, I have trouble with intimacy in my own relationships was best described in Laing's chapter about David Wajnowrowicz "There was no way I could relate to them or anybody in a room full of people at any party anywhere, you'd look at people and realize there was no frame of reference similar to theirs"
Reflecting on this I don't think my brother and I were properly socialized. We were independently making our own meals and doing our own laundry at 5 and 6 years old, knowing we couldn't depend on our mother to get out of bed. We were treated and spoken to like adults. Experienced and saw things well beyond our young years. We in turn spoke like adults and all of these things isolated us from other kids in our age group. We had a few friends but none of them could relate to us. Just when we felt like we had a solid group of friends from the neighborhood, we up and moved to a small town where everyone had known each other since kindgarten and we didn't exactly fit in there either. I spent hours in my room after school listening to music alone in my room, reading. No clubs, no activities b/c someone had to be home with my sister. Awkward, shy, angry. withdrawn. It wasn't until college that I like "belonged" anywhere and even then I would spend entire weekends in my room recovering from "burn out" that was socialization.
Based off of Laing's research and observations of artist Andy Warhol as a man, and his perspective, I'm very intrigued by him, although not his art as much. His struggle with language, and self efficacy. He was ahead of the trend and necessity of a TV to "drown out the noise" without feeling alone. To use the machine as a barrier between yourself and others. Also, his fear of not being accepted and misunderstood and later his fear of hospitals and maybe of revealing too much of himself apart of from the damage of being shot, I believe played a part in his passing.
In contrast Laing also notes that "Andy was chief psychiatrist, people came to The Factory and felt heard and understood and never judged, but Warhol found it difficult to find a balance between people who didn't confide in him and people who "drained" him and latched on to him.
I find the same thing difficult. people listen to me but also want me to solve things for them and in general their emotions are draining to me. even though at times I can be eager to help and fix. It becomes a vicious cycle.
I suppose that's why I personally record my thoughts and feelings here. Which very few people if any read. I don't advertise the existence of this forum, but I obviously have things to say or rather. I appreciate and recognize literature that have characters with flaws and desires similar to my own. and in that I feel less lonely although I am preferably alone.
"We read to know that we are not alone"- C.S. Lewis
I read because others articulate how I'm feeling better than I could myself. Sometimes I don't know how I'm feeling until someone says it out loud. I don't know why I'm anxious or afraid or avoidant.
Another quote from Lonely City: "You can destroy a person without resorting to graphic violence, can crush hopes and squander dreams, waste talent, refuse to train and educate and able mind, but rather keep a person in a prision of work, without praise or prospects, and certainly unable to develop what is in them of mind and heart"
Quite possibly the truest and saddest thing I've ever read. That's why I feel passionately about education working with college kids, helping them develop professionally and let them know when they are talented and smart and empathetic.
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