Not enough

I had an important breakthrough recently. 

Stemming from a very deep rooted and FALSE belief that I am not enough, that I don't do enough. and that I constantly have to prove myself.  This has carried over to almost every aspect of my life. Over-spending, previous jobs--working before and after hours until I burn out, and relationships with the opposite sex. 

HOW THE FLOODGATES OPENED...  I was talking to a guy for a few weeks and then fate intervened he had to fly overseas for a family matter, before our first date and ended up getting back together with his ex. Even though he told me he couldn't stand her and had zero plans for reconciling. I was very hurt that something I was so excited about was DOA before it even began. He basically said"  IF he wasn't with her when he got back THEN he'd definitely be open to meet with me"  (So... I'm you're backup plan? NO THANK YOU!)

This type of behavior doesn't occur too often but it does happen to me.

I was angry and judgmental about him choosing an admittedly toxic person over me, but then I realized, he's young. and that is his lesson to learn on his own. Not mine. and with that I found a small bit of peace.  ( I'm pretty sure he's still trolling the website we met on which is disappointing.) He used me for attention and said all of the right things to make me believe he was interested in me and wanting to escape the "shallow," ex's, and co-eds who were "all the same".  but I take responsibility too, I cared about his well being in addition to being attracted to him.  I made him "special" in my mind too early. Without requiring very much tangible effort on his part.


 Until I make myself just as important as this other person. The same pattern will occur. 

I got myself into debt buying gifts for friends and family because I wanted to be "thoughtful" and not "cheap" 

Now I'm on a budget to pay it off and although it's not easy I realize that I CAN do it without the world falling apart.   Also it forces me to focus my attention inward instead of on material things and validation from anything external.

What I realized was despite my "truth telling" and my "take no shit attitude" this persona is what this book I'm currently reading alluded to was an alter ego she awesomely named "Joan Jett" whom I ADORE!!!!  Joan is everything I want to be! Self confident, talented, wise, strong. Joan circa the Runaways and the Heartbreakers had a rep for some pretty tough edges. (same as me) a fast movin, swearing, groundbreaking, bad-ass.  

I used my inner "Joan" to protect myself and power through my life instead of living, breathing and feeling it. 

With time, and reflection just like the author I started to notice a "softer" side of me was developing and instead of hiding it, because I viewed it and any show of emotion that wasn't anger or determination  as "weak" it was slowly surfacing.

It wasn't other people who thought I wasn't enough. (although certain people did try their best to re-enforce my own self doubt.) it was in my own mind. This realization manifested in physical pain,  ( a lump in my throat, difficulty breathing, random aches and pains in my shoulders, back, neck, blocked sacral chakra). I rarely ever get sick. but I felt completely broken down. Busted.  

I stretched, I breathed, I meditated. it all helped a little. but then I listened to India Arie "I AM LIGHT"  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ism8dBjxKvc

I listened to the lyrics and just broke into tears, they really spoke to my personal pain.  More deeply rooted and false beliefs that I have allowed to define me for decades.

 I am Light, I am Light, 
I am Light, I am Light, 
I am not the Things my family did, 
I am not the voices in my head 
I am not the pieces of the brokenness inside

I am Light.  

I am not the mistakes that I have made, 
Or any of the things that caused me pain
I am not the pieces of dream I left behind

I am Light.  

This whole series of SongVersation is amazing.

 and I've always connected to "Ready for Love" and and never understood why. Probably because it's something that has always eluded me. Then i looked up the lyrics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxkMlS2nuU8

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
I am ready to start believing in myself. I don't have to try so hard. I can release the fears of not being enough and see myself the way people who care about me do.  It's going to take time. and vigilance, and daily practice of these positive affirmations.  but I'm ready to lay it all  out. and heal.

*Newly added**

"We like breakthroughs, while the changes toward evolution and greater humanity are incremental. We don't want to grow. It hurts. And yet we do, bravely and scared, bit by bit. We tell it-- it hangs in the air with its amazingness-- we begin to cooperate with kindness, and we remember the good we've seen in our own lives. We soften ever so slightly, with one or two percent willingness. and I'll be damned if that isn't enough"- Annie LaMott Hallelujah Anyway pg. 136