Purpose

"Literature provided a rich account of human meaning;the brain, then was the machinery that somehow enabled it. It seemed like magic" - Paul Karanithi When Breathe Becomes Air

30 pages into this book and I'm blown away.  This guy had it all figured out. He was limitless, both an incredible surgeon and also a writer.  (both emotional and logical) Then he dies, at 36. Cancer

36? only 5 years older than I am now. If you had asked me at 22, or even 27 I'd say the likelihood I'd live to see 31 was slim. I was reckless and found little meaning outside of work.

This man studied for 10 years to become a medical professional, his marriage was struggling upon his last year of residency. If he could just make it through..

One of my biggest goals is to be "present" to quiet my mind. this is the best description I've found of how my brain works:

From:https://www.16personalities.com/intp-personality
 On the one hand:They may appear to drift about in an unending daydream, but INTPs’ thought process is unceasing, and their minds buzz with ideas from the moment they wake up. This constant thinking can have the effect of making them look pensive and detached, as they are often conducting full-fledged debates in their own heads.  
(This is why meditation has become a necessity. Thank you Headspace Daily 10 (Free App)


 My mind never stops. It's exhausting, now I finally understand why sleep has been my constant friend, It used to be the only peace I'd find and why people always said I looked "distracted").

AND...  Imagine an immensely complicated clockwork, taking in every fact and idea possible, processing them with a heavy dose of creative reasoning and returning the most logically sound results available – this is how the INTP mind works


Everyone's brain has a filter, mine refuses to process bullshit and emotion. To me its wasting time, honesty is more efficient and emotions are fleeting and serve no purpose.

When people say "life is short" they aren't kidding now I'm never in a hurry especially not in a  "let's be an asshole to the cashier because we're standing in a long line" kind of way.  It's about being present and content with you life at this moment. Until recently, I never felt that way. Constantly struggling with.. If I made more $, then I'd be happy. If I were dating someone who actually appreciated me then I'd be happy. If I lost 20lbs and my abs circa 2009 magically returned.. or people could just get their shit together. Unlimited happiness.

Don't get me wrong, there are still things I want to do, (in no particular order)
-Abs
- Take Stand up Comedy classes in the Spring
-Travel to places I've never been.. PR, Paris, Savannah, Napa,
- More discipline (financially)
-Help people find jobs they are good at and are treated fairly.
-Date someone who appreciates me (LOL)

but even a year ago. the list was twice as long and full of excuses and doubt. A year ago I would never have gone to any kind of fitness class 3x a week. I would've NEVER taken a French class. I would've never said the words "I forgive you". A year ago, I didn't wake up everyday, happy and grateful to go to work.  There was no feelings (except for the fake smiling and interest in other people's problems solely for me to find solutions to) and no purpose except, panic, anger, confusion, and finally just numb. I was a machine, built to work and go through the motions.

"Most people don't live, they only exist"-Walt Whitman 

(<<This was me). Some days I swear I had to be reminded to breathe.. and when I did exhale, all I wanted to do was scream just to see if had that much in me).