Letting Go- A reflection

It's 2018.
You hear the same “advice” at the start of every New Year. “Stop bad habits, Clear out the Clutter, Start Fresh” As self-aware as I like to think I am, sometimes my “habits” border on madness especially since I have a talent for justifying just about everything.
I’m 32, VERY single and prefer to be (or so I tell myself) live alone (truly a preference) in a cozy apartment in a 3 floor walk- up I affectionately named “The Tower” I go out sometimes, but defaulting to cancel plans and read books and binge Netflix instead. A classic introvert.

2017 was better to me than most. I am content with my life. (solid job,  cozy apartment, healthy family, enough money to cover my bills). All good things.  It's been said that every decision you've made has lead you to this moment you're in right now.-- I can't remember who said that, but accountability has always been my "thing".

As long as you can predict the future, you can safeguard yourself and determine the best course of action with minimal damage and consequences. for the past 32 1/2 years this has been my mantra. ((Control, Control, Control))).

2 years ago, I lost control, I left the job I hated, for another job (that I found out I hated 30 days later). When back to a job I hated the least, but I never officially started. I sat around my apartment waiting for 2 months in the dead of winter waiting for the phone to ring. Praying every day this would resolve itself if i was patient enough. I'd say " Something good is going to happen" 2x a day every day to block out the voices that would tell me to panic. I enjoyed the quiet and the calm. I wasn't answering 50 emails a day. I didn't hear someone calling my name 100x a day. I wasn't burnt out. My day was mine.  It's funny I hadn't taken a single day off in over 6 months and now with all of this "free time" I used to tell myself. I'll go to the gym (I didn't). I'll read tons of books (I did). I'll reorganize my apartment (Sort of did). But mostly I watched episodes of Gilmore Girls because of the subzero temperatures outside.

I got a call. It wasn't what I expected. I didn't get the job after all. After 2 months of waiting. So I started the search again. One day at the library almost out of funds and bills due any day. But with confidence and faith. I applied for 3 jobs online. 2 full time and 1 part time. I got a call back from all 3 places less than a week later.  a few successful phone interviews later, I was asked to come in and meet my future bosses. Again with a false sense of confidence and without really thinking how BAD I really needed to land this job, I just spoke honestly and objectively. I received an offer 3 days later over the phone while I was working a shift at my friend's cafe for some extra cash that covered a CTA pass and some food for the week. I was grateful to both.

Those 2 months fundamentally changed my perspective on how to live my life. I had zero control, which for the first time since I was a young kid I wasn’t scared. I had a voice in the back of my head saying “it will all work out” I used to drown out that voice and say You’re crazy?! The only way it will be okay is if I MAKE it OKAY! If I wanted something,(or someone) I went after it with great effort, forcibly,  relentlessly until life or that person submitted to my will.

What happened after that? It almost NEVER worked out the way I thought it would. I was tired of “carrying” everything to continue to make it work. (The place I worked that would fall apart if I didn’t literally hold it together, the “relationship” that  I managed by creating the guy’s social calendar of events, movies, concerts,  lazy Sundays to keep him “interested”.   I never once asked myself  “What’s in all of this for me?” What am I getting out of this life? I didn’t know I had a choice until I left the job and lost control. I just knew that I couldn’t continue the way that I was.  I was called “brave” for leaving this stable job with good health benefits, great salary and retirement options. I could even walk to work. But I cried on the way there and I would stop at the bar by myself 2-3 days a week on my way home. I wasn’t LIVING. I didn’t start to LIVE until all my plans were turned upside down and I had no choice but to TRUST that it was all going to work out. To have FAITH. I was never a religious person, despite having a deeply Catholic grandmother and taking CCD classes & making my first communion. I was never confirmed. Frequently ate meat on Fridays during Lent and zero desire to ever marry in a church.

I’d read a few books by Gabrielle Bernstein and I was just considering the possibility that regardless of religion you could have this trust in faith in something more than yourself. Anything. It could be a spirit, it could be vibrations as long as you acknowledge that IT/ANYTHING exists that will guide you back to love. Back to yourself/intuition if you just LISTEN and drown out your ego and self-doubt.

Since I’d tried it my way and it always turned out wrong, I thought.. “What an interesting concept, you mean I can finally feel at PEACE?” instead of a circus juggler constantly stressed and burnt out and receive the same results and good fortune without “fighting” for it? I was intrigued.  
Slight problem… I HATED Yoga. I tried it several times at different places with different teachers and I am not flexible or athletic and even the beginners class was too much for me. I left feeling defeated not strong or calm. I joined a women only gym/dance studio a year and half ago. It was “fun” and didn’t feel like working out.  Not that I put a ton of effort into it aside from showing up 3 days a week for a year. I should at least get credit for that right? It was more of a social aspect for me. I made a few acquaintances with the staff mostly.

 I tried Meditation. 10 consecutive days for 10 minutes a day. But I quit because “life was good” so I didn’t feel like I needed it anymore. ((MISTAKE)).  It did help me relax and focus if my boss was being a pain, or a family member was frustrating me. I didn’t need to rant to my friends on G-chat as often after I finished meditating.  My inner critic shut the hell up for a brief period of time and I let down my guard so I didn’t feel like everything had to be perfect. If something went wrong I was less likely to “explode with anger” it was a detour and I found my way around whatever problem it was.
Anyways when I fell off the meditation wagon my gym closed to due “management issues” and overdue rent on the space itself. Very shady business. Members and instructors only received 2 weeks’ notice. There wasn’t even enough time to attend all of the classes I pre-paid for.

The point was, I felt like I had finally gotten used to showing up at a place regularly that wasn’t  Work, My apartment, or a bar. And now that place was going to close. 
Coincidentally on my walk to the gym, I noticed another studio also in Lincoln Park. I will try everything once including trampoline fitness classes which tbh if you have a DD chest could be a very dangerous thing. But I never went in. it looked cramped and was in a “basement” of a building.  But I was walking home through Greektown and found the same chain.

It was a week before my gym closed, late fall but unseasonably warm. I don’t why I walked in there that day. I think it was mostly because I didn’t want to lose the “routine” I had built for myself. I bought a 3 class pass and tried Bootcamp, Boxing and something called TRX. Boxing was a class I took at my former gym but we didn’t hit a bag. If I knew how difficult it would be I probably wouldn’t have done it. Also, after a year of “boxing” after one of the new classes I learned my form was ALL WRONG” I still haven’t gotten it right but I’m leaning.

Bootcamp was something that terrified me even at my old gym. I could never do ANY of the moves and the instructors didn’t really take the time to modify anything for me the class was full.
These classes were a lot smaller and the instructor had a great attitude and if she saw someone struggling she would show them a modification. I COULD DO THIS!! I’d never been more sore after a class in my life! That was almost 4 months ago. I’m not the best, I haven’t dropped 30lbs. but I show up consistently November I did 13 classes in 20 days. & won the fall challenge raffle. Christmas Eve I braved the blizzard and walked to and from class just to get there.
It’s a little bit harder to justify walking home from class in sub-zero temps. I did take a week off but the point is I stuck with it for the first time I didn’t say “this is too hard”. I felt an accountability not just to myself but to my instructors who took the time to teach me several days a week. They know I actually try. They were supportive and sent me kind messages congratulate  me on winning the challenge

For the first time, I won something! Something that I had to actually work for and also have a bit of luck too. I gave myself credit for showing up as imperfect as my form was.  I believed in myself enough to keep going not to lose weight but to see how far I could push myself and prove myself wrong..  I also showed up to after class social events, a holiday movie night, ect. I made some friends! J which for me is not the easiest thing to do. I never say the right thing. I’m too “intense” or “serious”  I have a hard time “smiling” (Resting Bitch Face)

What changed?! I wasn’t overwhelmed and I didn’t put a ton of pressure on myself to succeed.  I just relaxed and let myself be guided to the right place at the right time. I’m realizing AGAIN that when you don’t force something, the solution comes to you. That what you want is achieved little by little, bit by bit with dedication and consistency. This will be my mantra for this year. Letting go and believing that I deserve to be guided to good things without having to push for them so hard I lose it all.