Clarity

So after a few glasses of wine and some sleep. I didn't handle yesterday's news well.

However, I still mean everything I wrote, and with some clarity have determined that at the heart of all that is that I hate to see people suffer, and I wish I could spell out every consequence to every single person to prevent them from suffering, or from making their lives harder than they need to be.

Also,  I depend on very few people in this world, because the first and most important lesson I ever learned in life was that you can't depend on anyone but yourself, but over the years that became a select few.  That I actually care about and that care about me.  If everything around me shatters into a million pieces I'm okay.

When things are good, I count on the fact that the state of this never lasts longer than a week or two. Because happiness isn't supposed to rely on external factors its supposed to be a constant state that I have control of, and train my mind.

My mind at the end of the day is all I have. I live a life of solitude with intermittent periods of work, and interacting with the public (not my preference) but studies show humans are a social animal even the introverted ones.  But once a "distraction" enters my life and becomes part of the routine and then change enters and they either leave or become less available what then? Back where I started. So, what is the point in engaging in the first place?

Nobody wants to see every negative thing or every potential change 10 miles down the road, but one shouldn't be blind either. "Take every moment as it comes?, Maybe you'll be genuinely surprised?" High doubtful. So where is the balance?

I have zero trust in anyone but myself, even though sometimes I do feel guided, but I'm uncertain whether my intuition is innate or if there is a higher spiritual force (not necessarily God, but something)

I need to remove my ego and myself from the situation and be as supportive as I can to others while still supporting myself. Still aggravated, struggling with apathy and purpose.  But I'm trying.