I get frustrated with myself making small mistakes (not proofreading an email correctly). I get angry at myself for knowing how blessed I am to have a roof over my head, and food on the table, but there's a voice in my head saying "I want more".
When these voices get too loud, I turn to music and books to reaffirm the positive, Sometimes, I am too proud to pray.
So I started reading a book Help. Thanks Wow- Annie LaMott. Somehow her books always find their way to me when I feel lost. The first time this happened I found Traveling Mercies in a Goodwill shop. and I remember crying because her story seemed very close to home. and I marveled at the kindness of strangers she met.
This is the first thing I've read that made me think about how I felt. "If I were going to begin practicing the presence of God for the first time today it would help to begin by admitting the three most terrible truths of our existence: That we are so ruined, and so loved, and in charge of so little"
This. Blew. Me. Away. A few simple words and life as I knew it was completely shred to bits.
Yes I am Broken. (In a high functioning anxiety kind of way)
I am Loved? (I know somewhere deep down that's true but love is a hard thing for me to accept and receive because it was severely lacking from a person who was supposed to love me most. It was supposed to be unconditional.
Romantic Love to me meant entrapment. I let my past define my perspective for 20+ years because I had no examples of the contrary. So I avoided any kind of love. Convinced myself I could do without it. I'd survive just like I always did. And rebuffed anyone who told me differently.
"I am in charge of so little" Seriously? You're speaking to a control freak who's been independent since age 5. I made a living out of "fixing" problems for people and having few people to rely on but myself. The laid back "everything will work out" attitude was never apart of my personal Canon. You bust your ass and anticipate every possible outcome so that you're prepared for everything and that's how you control things!
The book says: "Most good honest prayers remind me that I am not in charge, that I cannot fix anything and that I open myself to being helped by something, some force, some friends, some something! These prayers say "Dear Some Something, I don't know what I'm doing. I can't see where I'm going. I'm getting lost, more afraid, more clenched. Help... These prayers acknowledge I am clueless but something else isn't"
Another passage to describe exactly how I feel, I want to surrender and depend on a strength other than my own.. It sounds nice. I just don't know how. So I'm going to use the "prayer" above and hope it soothes my mind/soul.
I relate to Annie LaMott on so many levels. She is wise but she is also self-aware: "It's time for trust and surrender, these two things are almost all I want, but unfortunately neither one is my strong suit."
Nor are they mine. I want so badly to "Let Go, and Let God" My heart knows things always go better using this strategy. Especially when I had no other choice. But I'm trying be proactive which is why I read all the time. I read to learn from people who are wiser than me, to absorb the lessons they've learned and understand where I always go wrong.
Next in Queue:(The Book of Joy) by The Dalai Lama & Desmond Tutu. very interested in their words of wisdom.
I know meditation and prayer works, and I feel better after I commit to these practices but consistency is difficult for me (in any area of my life) Working on using gratitude during prayer, and not just when I'm struggling.
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