We would talk for hours on the phone, sometimes sharing romantic sentiments, but mostly platonic, sharing funny stories, goofy jokes, songs of the day. We had a mutual respect and admiration for each other. Both escaping our small towns and moved on to big city life. We always "fell for each other" at inappropriate times and talked our way back to friendship. He would "disappear" when life got in the way, when I needed his emotional support the most. I had had enough and it was the first time in 11 years I pulled the plug. Which was impeccable timing on my part. He was finally moving to Chicago.
But no matter how angry we were with each other, we would always reach out in time for our birthdays. So I did reach out. I had an irrational fear of running into him on a random street corner, (not knowing whether or not he'd made it to Chicago, or stayed in LA, or Texas) the suspense was killing me.
He had made it to the Windy City after all. We made plans to meet at Union Station the day his train arrived after the holidays.(My idea of a good meet-cute story). and there we were. In the same place at the same time after all of these years. He was exactly as I pictured. Handsome and awkwardly funny. He wouldn't look directly at me. haha we didn't want it to end there so we went for a walk, to a bookstore, grabbed a few beers, played Elvis pinball. I'll stop there because everything after that was a disaster.... Worst case scenario on all levels. I couldn't believe it and neither could he. There was zero excuse for how everything played out.
We tried to recover but the underlying issues still plagued us. We were both self-sabotaging people who were at different stages in our lives (again) and couldn't be what the other needed. We said things to hurt each other, didn't fulfill our promises. (Promises were something we'd said we would never make because we knew better). We went too fast, and said too much or not enough. We were scared, we ran away. That was the ending to our story? After all of these years.. so many levels of disappointment? I thought we always felt worse when we were separated and better when we were together? (in any capacity). But space seemed to be best. Every time.
Why was one always forced to take the high road and forgive while the other was so blatantly unaware or selfish? (applied to both of us).
I read a book that changed my life but more importantly changed my perspective
My goal in life is to attain a level of peace that had always evaded me, I worked so hard to the point of constant anxiety attacks and would have meltdowns if things didn't go according to plan or be disappointed when someone didn't act the way I thought they should've. This book and other sources like Gabby Bernstein taught me to forgive myself and forgive others(even when they are wrong). People are just as flawed as you are. They are at different stages in their lives than you might be. and I've definitely been "that girl" that complete mess.. and I was lucky enough to have people that saw past my pain and my antics and knew I was a good person at heart. So I have to extend the same graciousness to others. Forgiveness=peace.
It didn't work out romantically with this guy (not at this point anyway) and I am not in a rush to be in a relationship for the sake of it. I've become my own favorite companion...
I see potential in everyone. I'm Andy in Pretty in Pink.. except I'd choose Duckie every time.. He's endearing, sentimental, you can count on him even when you've broken his heart. and the dance sequence.. if only a guy would do a funny dance to my favorite song to make me laugh, someone who gives good advice, who encourages me to write more "material" for stand up routines* and as shallow as it sounds.. someone who is passionate. Lord knows I don't need any more disappointment in that area of my life.. You think if nothing else. that aspect would be the easiest to find.
You are secretly a dreamer.
You pride yourself on being a rational thinker and don’t like to get carried away in emotions, but you secretly want to achieve greatness and fall in love. You’re yearning to make a difference, but often feel suffocated in a sense of stalled potential. You’ve built a tough exterior and often tell yourself you aren’t a romantic, but you secretly yearn for someone to share your life with.
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