Where I stood...

So, this post is going to be the longest and most cliche of anything I will write going forward.  I am an introverted person. I like it that way. I also need extra time to sort my thoughts out. ''Sorted'' is a term the Irish use often to describe when ''you're married, have kids, have a good job and are set in life"

Hence the name of this blog Introverted and Sorted Out.

But, to understand the point of this you have to know where I've been. (Not in a ''When I was 5," kind of way)but in recent years..

A friend and fellow music geek started a blog. I love reading it. I didn't know him too well but the stories he told were surprisingly so similar to mine yet opposite, he described how he loved being around people and had a hard time sleeping. I constantly crave solitude and sleep and seek unlimited amounts of both.

He talked about being unemployed and taking some time off for himself to take a step back and not feel the constant pressure of work. This is what i related to the most...

From 2007-2015 I've had only 2 jobs (3 if you count retail sales associate).
(I don't because it was fun and almost zero responsibility.) Although in any job I make it my mission to sort things out and be the person who ''gets shit done" I created a core reputation for just that. For 2  years i worked 2 jobs just to make ends meet.  I was burnt out. my friends and colleagues told me to ''breathe'' every day. because I just never stopped. "I don't have time to breathe!" I'd hide in the Comms closet and break down. A client passed me in the hall. ''Rosie, are you alright?" "I'm fine" I reply. He said ''fine's not always good enough is it?" and then it clicked: No actually it's not. 

 I will never regret this time in my life.  Most of my clients have become dear friends and trusted advisors to this day.

In 2013, I started a new job for a major university it was double what I'd been making the past 6 years and a lot of the responsibilities were the same. (with the added bonus of my college buddy being my boss) we had a great professional relationship and similar communication styles, but like the other job I was pulled in so many directions I couldn't keep up. But the difference was, this time I realized. No amount of extra hours put in, or extra effort on my part would be enough". My best friend said "that job is killing you" (I think he meant my spirit).

Everyday, I'd wake up with anxiety attack (I didn't realize I had anxiety but the more I've read, the more I realized I'd pretty much suffered from not only moderate, but severe anxiety every single day the past 6 years)second guessing if i had done xyz, panicking and fearing I would be fired for the smallest mistake. I'd get texts at 6am asking questions about random tasks. I'd cry at my desk when I turned the lights out and everyone went home.




One of the students had quit the program, people were upset, I remembered thinking:"Wow, that's brave" She made a choice for herself knowing it would disappoint a lot of people and maybe affect her career. my *crush* (in the same program as this girl) walked in and asked for my help. I looked at him (suffering a minor breakdown an hour before) and i said ''E, what am I doing here? I could be an office manager anywhere. I don't want to teach, I don't want to go back to school, so why am I here?"

I found a new job a month later, and I also quit that job a month later. I planned to go back to a previous employer for a better salary and a higher title, I got an offer letter, we negotiated salary...and then fate stepped in.

I left the one job December 2015 with the intention of starting the new job 2 weeks later. I signed an offer letter, they pushed back my start date, oh you'll start after Christmas, then after New Years, then Jan 4th, then again.. and again. and now it's February. Then they tell me there had been a hiring freeze. I was floored! You wait 2 months to tell me that?!

 It was winter, I was grateful I didn't have anywhere to be. I'd never taken more than 2 consecutive days off in 8 years.  I always said how productive I would be if i had time off I spent more time with my family, I cleaned some closets out) watched the entire Gilmore Girl series,  but I was also struggling in a toxic relationship with a person who made me feel less than zero. Despite all of gifts, and meals and bar tabs I picked up. He used adjectives to describe me like ''shallow'' said I wasn't "smart" or "funny" and finally we'd both had enough. (Noticing a pattern here?)  End of January, I was panicked. Is this really happening? What do I do now? No job. No boyfriend. Almost no money left

 I colored in this inspirational book i got, it said ''Learn from Yesterday, Live for Today, Hope for Tomorrow" that's exactly what I did. For the first time in my life I let go and just trusted that somehow/ some way things would work out. (for a control freak/Ms. Fix it like me this was a completely new concept).

I  rushed to the library I applied for jobs and was lucky enough to get callbacks on all three applications. Unexpectedly, I received a note from my grandpa along with a check for the exact amount of my rent.(I hadn't asked for help since before I graduated) I took pride in the fact that despite my modest salary I had made it work all of these years. but in that moment.. I broke down and cried. I received help without asking for it (my pride got in the way but I really did need it).
Still makes me tear up just thinking about it.

I was extremely lucky to find a job and bosses that were kind, generous and most of all appreciated me. I've only been here 8 months and I've already taken 7 vacation days. which is more than I've taken at the two previous jobs combined! I started meditating, I took a cardio boxing class, 2x a week for 3 months. toyed with the idea of doing standup comedy. I'd finally achieved a work/life balance that had eluded me.

My friend Jen and I went on an impromptu weekend in Seattle. (on my bucket list). and for the first time in my 31 years I went on a vacation without my family, to a place I'd never been. And thanks to Jen's proactive attitude and generosity. I lived out one of my life long dreams. That trip has changed me in so many ways she will never know how much it really meant to me. We were flexible and laid back with only a few ideas in mind and improvised the rest. There was no schedule, we lived in the moment. and tried really really hard not to argue over which one of us paid the bill :P We talked about our ''former lives'' how intense we both were and how unhappy we were back then and how far we've come.

 It didn't rain the entire time we were there, I saw things I've wanted to see since the first episode of REAL WORLD:Seattle, (the throwing of the fish in Pike Place Market, Sub Pop Records, Kurt Cobain's house and wrote on the bench in his honor, had a cried over one of my musical hero and deeply flawed and beloved human.  Everything about Seattle made me think that things could be and are different than the way I was living. 

"Most people don't actually LIVE life, as much as they just exist"

Until this trip, I was just existing, fixing things for everyone, solving ''problems'' making people's lives easier doing the mundane tasks and beyond. But it mattered to me, because i finally realized the more I could focus on other people the less I had to think about myself. (I was raised to help people without thinking twice about it.. More on this concept and how it translates to my dating life in a future post)

Back to my friend's blog... He asked himself ''What makes me happy?"

Well... now that I've written where I started.. the point of this blog is to let go of where I've been and look forward to where I'm going. and I think I'm finally ready. (Well, maybe one more post about my most recent failed relationship...) Then I'm ready.